


On Being a Wallflower

by djchika



Category: Glee
Genre: Gen, M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-12-12
Updated: 2013-04-20
Packaged: 2017-11-20 23:16:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 7,062
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/590775
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/djchika/pseuds/djchika
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>//ABANDONED//</p><p>(Fic inspired by Perks of Being a Wallflower)</p><p>Blaine sees things, keeps quiet about them and understands. Nobody notices, until somebody does.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> It’s probably going to get a little dark in here so fair warning.

August 21

Dear Friend,

I met a boy today.

It was my first day of high school and I’ve already met the love of my life.

You’d like him. He has kind eyes, the sort of eyes that can really see what’s inside a person and not just what they want you to see. He has a beautiful smile too. Although, he doesn’t seem to use it very often.

He’s what my mother would call “guarded”. She’d say that guarded people are the best kind of friends because once they let you see what’s inside their hearts, you’ll always have a place there.

I think I want to be able to see into Kurt’s heart. Even if he doesn’t think I deserve a place in his heart, he already has one in mine.

You must think I’m crazy telling a complete stranger about how in love I am with a boy I just met, but please understand that you’re more than just a stranger to me.

I’m telling you because he said that you stood up for that boy in your school. He said you didn’t join them when they were calling him names and even told them to back off.

People like you give me hope for everyone else whose too scared to fight back.

You give me hope that I’ll find the courage to do the same thing someday.

Because I think I know why Trent killed himself. I think it was because he had told his dad he was gay. I only found out because we were changing after gym and I saw the bruises on his back. He broke down crying and told me his dad had beat him up.

I didn’t know what to say then and if he was here now I still wouldn’t know what to say.

I couldn’t tell him that what he was saying scared me.

See, I’m gay too.

Love always,

Blaine


	2. Chapter 2

August 24

Dear Friend,

I’m sorry that I ended my last letter that way. My substitute literature teacher, Ms. Holliday, would say that what I did was create a dramatic revelation.

Honestly, I just felt like maybe I had said too much in one letter and you might need time to think.

My dad used to say that to me a lot. That I should think before I talk. My mom said that I was honest which she thought was a wonderful quality to have. My dad said I had no filter and that what I say and do reflects not just on me but on the whole family.

Sometimes I don’t think my dad likes me very much.

I don’t think he likes my brother either. He’s not really my brother. We have different mothers but he still calls me “baby brother” and “squirt” and other nicknames that I pretend to hate but usually makes me feel really warm inside.

I’m not going to tell you his name because I think you’d recognize him. My brother is the kind of person who makes a lasting impression.

Kurt has a step brother too, but I don’t think they’re close since I’ve seen them in the hallways and they don’t talk at all. Kurt usually spends his time with Santana.

Did I tell you about her? Santana is Kurt’s best friend. She’s beautiful but not in the way that Kurt is beautiful. If we were animals who lived in the jungle, I think Santana would be one of those big scary cats. Beautiful but vicious.

I think I’d be too scared to talk to her if she hadn’t talked to me first. She has the locker a few doors next to mine and she hadn’t noticed that one of her pictures had fallen. I picked it up and gave it to her. She took the picture and stared at it for a long time. It was a picture of a pretty blonde girl who reminded me of a veterinarian who lived in our old neighborhood.

Our encounter would have ended there since she had turned her back to me without a thank you, but then one of the guys Kurt’s step brother hangs out with pushed me into the lockers. I was scared since he was much bigger than me but I was prepared to fight.

I didn’t notice Santana move towards us until she was standing right in front of me staring down the other guy. He was probably twice her size but he flinched and walked away without another word.

“What’s your name?” Santana asked after the boy left.

“Blaine.”

“Santana.”

“C’mon you’re having lunch with me.”

She didn’t wait for me to accept her invitation, just walked towards the cafeteria and expected me to follow her. It made me feel unimportant but since I hadn’t made any friends yet I figured eating with Santana was better than eating alone.

It was  good thing too because otherwise I might never have met Kurt.

Santana grabbed a couple of sandwiches and cookies from the lunch room and I got myself a salad and a fruit cup. I waited for her to choose a table but instead she motioned for me to follow her and we went outside to the bleachers.

I wish I could tell you that I was suave and confident when I met Kurt, but the truth was I don’t think I made an impression at all. He just raised his eyebrow at Santana who raised her eyebrow at him in response. There was a moment when I thought he might not want me to stay but he removed his bag from the seat in front of him so I decided to take it as a good sign.

Maybe someday I’ll have friends who can I talk to without actually talking. That would be helpful since I’m not very good with talking about how I feel about things.

Kurt and Santana exchanged gossip about people I didn’t know yet and they tried to keep me in the conversation but there were too many new names and I couldn’t keep track of them all. Besides, I was content with just watching Kurt.

I don’t know to describe Kurt to you so I’ll borrow a passage Ms. Holliday read to us in class,

“There you are, sitting in the garden  
Clutching my coffee, calling me sugar  
Have you ever wished for an endless night?  
Lassoed the moon and the stars and pulled that rope tight  
Have you ever held your breath and asked yourself  
Will it ever get better than tonight?”

Someone said that it wasn't a literature, that it was a pop song, but Ms. Holliday argued that just because it's popular doesn't mean it isn't literature.

I didn’t care either way, I thought it was beautiful and fit how I felt about Kurt really well.

“You’re a freshman?” Kurt asked when they were done talking.

“Yes.”

Kurt and Santana are seniors which makes me feel very sad because that means I will lose them eventually. I try not to think about it though since there are still nine months left in the school year and my brother says that sometimes I think too much about what could happen instead of what’s happening right now.

He asked me a couple more questions about where I went to middle school and where I lived and what my interests were and what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wanted to tell him everything, I really did, but instead I gave him the answers I usually gave people.

“I used to live in Westerville but my dad moved his practice. He thought the district would be able to provide me with a more well-rounded education. ”

“My brother and I used to perform for our neighbors a lot when I was younger but I’ve moved on to more sensible activities like sports and taking photographs for the school newspaper.”

“I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up but my father suggests that law might be something I’d want to consider since that’s what he does.”

Santana had laughed at me and said I sounded like I was applying for a job interview.

Kurt had smiled at me kindly but didn’t comment.

I couldn’t help but feel like I had disappointed them somehow

I seem to have that effect on a lot of people.

Love always,

Blaine


	3. Chapter 3

August 25

Dear Friend,

Have you ever had a really, really good dream but don't remember most of it? Just little bits that don't make sense?

I had a dream about Kurt last night. We were singing. I don’t remember the last time I sang with someone. It was probably Cooper but not in a long time.

There were people and leather furniture and books and tiny pin pricks of light.

We sang a sad song but we were really happy about it.

I think there was a bird that flew away because it was free. I don't know why that's important but it is.

I wish I knew what any of it meant. All I know is that I was happy but I was sad at the same time. Like I was missing something I never even had.

Dr. Pillsbury, my new therapist, said I should try to focus my thoughts on what was happening in the present instead of thinking about the past and the things I could have done differently.

She says this when I’m having a bad day and thinking about my life in my old school. I don’t miss my old life, but I do miss Trent.

Trent was the closest thing I had to a best friend. The day he shot himself I cried myself to sleep, and then did the same thing again the following night, and then the night after that.

Last night I woke up crying and I think I woke up my dad because there was a light outside my door.

Dad didn’t come in to my room though. He never does.

Love Always,

Blaine

\----------

August 25

Dear Friend,

I’m writing you two letters today because something wonderful happened after I ended my last letter.

Santana called and told me that she and Kurt and a bunch of friends were hanging out at the Lima Bean and that I should get my ass over there.

I still didn’t appreciate being ordered around by Santana, but I couldn’t deny that I wanted to spend time with her and Kurt.

When I got to the Lima Bean, Santana and Kurt were at one of the back booths with a couple of other kids I’ve seen at school. They were all laughing and talking and I was afraid of intruding that I almost walked back out, but Kurt saw me and waved me over.

I sat next to him and felt a little bit light headed with how close we were in the cramped booth.

“Blaine,” Santana said. “This is Sam, Tina and Sugar.” She pointed in turn to a blonde boy, a dark haired girl and a strawberry blonde girl with highlights. “Guys, this here’s Blaine. Our newest and littlest friend over here tried to take on Karofsky.”

Karofsky was the name of the jock who pushed me. I guess they didn’t like him very much because Sugar gave me a big grin and Sam toasted me with his glass.

“My older brother taught me how to box,” I told them with a shrug. “I wasn’t trying to be brave, I just wanted to defend myself.”

“Why didn’t you tell me that right away?” Santana asked with a cackle. “I would have loved to see Karofsky beaten up by our munchkin.”

I smiled quietly when they all laughed. The truth is I don’t like being teased about my height. I don’t mind as much when it’s Santana though because I know she doesn’t do it to be mean. Kurt said Santana has a problem with showing affection and it’s her way of showing people that she likes them. I think he’s right because the twinkly gleam in Santana’s eyes when she teases one of us is completely different from the glare she gave Karofsky.

There was more the Karofsky story but no one wanted to talk about it. They talked a lot about different things instead. They talked so much that I learned a lot about them just by listening.

I learned that Kurt had lost both his parents and that he lives with his stepmother and his stepbrother but spends most of his time at Santana’s.

I learned that Santana’s parents were separated. She lives with her dad in Lima but he’s never around since most of his clients are in the city. He’s a plastic surgeon.

I learned that Sam’s a year older even though he’s in my grade. He had to stop school because his parents lost their jobs. He had considered stripping but Kurt had convinced him to get a job at his dad’s old tire shop instead.

I learned that Sugar’s a year younger even though she’s also in my grade. She was allowed to skip a grade in middle school because her dad donated a large amount of money to the school. She says that she asked her dad to let her skip a grade because she was tired of studying but I think she’s actually really smart and got bored of the teachers. I’ve seen some of the books she carries around even though no one else seems to notice.

I learned that Tina’s a year above mine. She used to be really quiet in middle school but she’d been friends with Santana for too long and the sarcasm had started rubbing off on her. I didn’t learn a lot about Tina because she preferred listening more than talking, but I think I like her the most.

Before we left Sugar grabbed my phone and dialed in her number. She also took a picture of herself to add to my contacts. She then proceeded to do the same thing to the others until I had all their numbers.

I got into my car feeling all warm inside.

That was the wonderful thing that happened to me today. I made friends.

Love Always,

Blaine


	4. Chapter 4

September 3

Dear Friend,

I saw Dr. Pillsbury today and she gave me an assignment. It’s not a real assignment because she isn’t my teacher, but I think I’ll enjoy doing it anyway. She asked me to start a photo journal so I can document what happens in my day.

We’ve been meeting every Monday since I moved to Lima and I think she’s getting tired of playing chess with me. That’s what we did again this afternoon. We played chess while she asked me questions I didn’t care about answering.

“How’s school?”

That is always the first question she asks.

“It’s fine.”

I moved my knight to F3 and waited for her to make her move. Dr. Pillsbury is no chess player. I’ve used the same opening during all our games and she still counters with the same move – a pawn to F6.

“And home? Are you and your dad settling down okay?”

“Yes, thank you for asking. He sends his regards.”

My old therapist once said that if anyone ever heard me talk, they’d think I was a character from an 19th century novel. I told him that if I was a character in an 19th century novel I would probably have been married off to a nice girl who I could never love because I would have fallen in love with her older brother.

He said that it sounds compelling and he would love to give it a read.

I told him that it would be better as a musical and that I would pitch the idea to my brother’s agent

My brother is an actor. He isn’t a very popular one yet but he always finds a way to get what he wants. I am betting that you will have heard of him in a year’s time.

“Do you miss your brother?”

That is also one of the questions she always asks.

 “Sometimes,” I said with a shrug. “I’m not used to him being so far away.”

The truth was I miss my brother very much. I speak to him every Monday when I get home from my sessions with Dr. Pillsbury. I eat a snack while he tells me about his adventures in Hollywood and I fill him in on what’s been happening in my life. The only reason I haven’t been calling him every night was because I was either talking to Kurt or Santana or Tina or Sam or Sugar.

I haven’t told Dr. Pillsbury about any of my new friends. I’m not sure if she’d be interested because she only asks me questions about my family or school. She’s nice but she never asks me questions about the things I want to talk about. If she asked me what I thought about the latest CD I listened to I might have something to say about that, but she never does.

Dr. Pillsbury asked me a couple more questions like if I was sleeping okay and if I was eating okay. I said answered each of questions while countering her moves on the chessboard until only her rook and her king was left.

“Blaine,” she said when it was clear she was going to lose again. Dr. Pillsbury always says my name in that patient way that reminds me of my mother.

I stopped staring at the chess pieces and raised my head to look at her instead. She’s a pretty woman with bright red hair. She’s the kind of person who I think would make a great mother herself someday.

“How about we make a deal?”

I looked her warily but didn’t say anything. My father always says that the key to making a good deal is to listen, that way you can’t blame anyone but yourself if you get the raw end of the deal.

“You like photography, don’t you?”

I nodded. “Yes, I do.”

“If I ask you to take one picture every day and show them to me during our sessions, would you be comfortable with talking about what’s in those pictures? It doesn’t have to be a big event. Just things you find interesting at home or at school. That way you can also keep track of things that happen in your life every day. Like keeping a journal only with pictures.”

I shrugged and said okay. She smiled at me happily and moved the same chess piece to the same position she had done the last time we played. I moved my own piece and called checkmate.

To be honest, I don’t mind the assignment. The school newspaper editor had asked me to take pictures for the yearbook so I had already expected to bring my camera to school every day. I was also getting bored of playing the same chess game every week.

I wonder if Dr. Pillsbury gets bored asking me the same questions every week too. I really wish she would ask me different questions so I don’t have to give her the same answers all the time.

In case you were wondering, the latest album I listened to was an album by a singer called Pink. The CD isn’t mine, it’s Ms. Holliday’s. She let me borrow it after I asked her about the song she recited in class.

She didn’t notice me right away. Literature was my last class for the day and most of the kids ran out as soon as the bell rang. I stayed near my seat until she looked up from her papers.

“No apple, kid? I always thought you quiet types liked the traditional approach to sucking up.”

I moved to the front of the room and hugged my books to my chest.

“I wasn’t trying to get you to raise my grade,” I explained. “I was wondering, what was the song you quoted the other day?”

She cocked her head at me and studied me for a moment before asking, “What’s your name again?”

“Blaine.”

Ms. Holliday dropped down on her seat and pulled out her record book. “Well, Blaine. I see you’re pulling an A in my class.” She looked up at me. “It wouldn’t hurt if you spoke up more though.”

“I’ll try, ma’am,” I replied, blushing at the reprimand.

“Well, by golly, you’ve gone and made me feel old! Ms. Holliday is fine. I’d ask you to call me Holly but I’m pretty sure Principal Figgins would have me stoned.” She smiled at me and I smiled back at her.

“No problem, Ms. Holliday,” I said, feeling less embarrassed.

She took a CD from her desk and handed it to me. “Here you go. Always happy to share the musical stylings of one Alecia Beth Moore also known as Pink. Don’t get too caught up in her music. I don’t want you disrupting the class by breaking out into song and dancing on the furniture.”

I laughed quietly as I tucked the CD into my bag. “I don’t think that’s going to be a problem, ma’am - I mean, Ms. Holliday.” I hastily corrected myself when she gave me a glare.

“Good boy. Now scoot. You’ve reached your teacher’s pet quota for the day.”

I listened to the CD all the way to Dr. Pillsbury’s office and went online to buy all her songs the moment I got home.

You should listen to her. There’s this song called ‘Fucking Perfect’ and I think it’s something that everyone should listen to at least once in their lives.

Love always,

Blaine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case anyone catches it, there was a little anachronism in Chapter 1 so I changed the song mentioned in it.
> 
> Reviews/feedback are always appreciated!


	5. Chapter 5

September 5

Dear Friend,

Do you remember that song I was telling you about? The one by Pink? We were in Kurt’s car on our way to the Lima Bean and I didn’t notice I was humming it. Santana was driving and wasn’t paying attention to me, but I think Kurt recognized the song because he turned to me from the passenger seat and asked, “Do you sing, Blaine?”

“I used to. My mom taught me how to play the piano when I was four, but my dad sold it. I think it was because it reminded him of my mom.”

“How old were you?”

Kurt was very quiet when he asked this.

“Ten,” I answered just as quietly.

He nodded, his eyes sad. “My mom passed away when I was eight.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It wasn’t your fault,” Kurt said.

He was right. It wasn’t my fault, but people say that in funerals all the time. Maybe people should start saying “I’m sad for you” instead because I think that’s what people mean they say, “I’m sorry.”

“Shut up, Moaning Myrtle,” Santana said, “Let the Hobbit show off those pipes.”

Kurt gave her his scariest bitch face and slapped her on the arm. I would have been scared if Kurt had looked at me like that, but Santana ignored him. She winked at my reflection on the rearview mirror and then Santana started singing the song I was humming, just like that.

“Made a wrong turn,  
Once or twice,  
Dug my way out,  
Blood and fire  
Bad decisions,  
That's alright  
Welcome to my silly life.”

Her voice had a beautiful raspy quality and it made my heart ache listening to her.

It made me wonder about the things in Santana’s life that she considers to be her fault. There are many things that people blame on themselves when they really shouldn’t and I wonder if that’s the case with Santana.

I saw Kurt reach over and squeeze Santana’s knee before he continued the song.

“Mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood,  
Miss "No way it's all good"  
It didn't slow me down.”

If I thought Santana’s voice was beautiful then I’m not sure what to say about Kurt’s voice. I will try my best to explain to you what it feels like to listen to Kurt sing, but as I’ve mentioned before, I’m not very good with words.

Have you ever woken up to a bird singing outside your window? It’s too early in the morning and your brain doesn’t quite work properly yet, but you get up and stand by your window and you listen anyway. You can’t help but listen because you’re afraid that the sound will go away and you’ll never be able to hear it again. You listen because it’s the most magical sound you’ve ever heard and it’s a privilege to have heard it at all.

That’s what it feels when you hear Kurt sing.

“Mistaken,  
Always second guessing,  
Underestimated,  
Look, I'm still around.”

Kurt gave a little shrug of his shoulders and motioned for me to join him. The thought of singing in public terrifies me, but in Kurt’s car with him and Santana, I felt as safe as I used to when my mom would sit me by the piano to teach me old songs. I squeezed my eyes shut and imagined myself singing in the study where the piano used to be.

“Pretty pretty, please  
Don't you ever, ever feel  
Like you're less than...  
Less than perfect.”

I opened my eyes in the middle of the chorus and was surprised to see Kurt’s eyes looking back at me. I’m not sure if he had been staring at me the whole time but my eyes locked on his and it was like swimming in a sea of galaxies. Blue and green and hazel and silver mixed with a spark that was uniquely Kurt’s.

“Pretty pretty please  
If you ever, ever feel  
Like you're nothing  
You are perfect, to me.”

We both trailed off and I could feel myself turning red as I kept my eyes on Kurt. I meant every word of that last line; he was perfect to me in every way.

Santana’s voice broke the trance we were in.

“Woah, shorty pants. I figured you knew how to carry a tune, I didn’t know you could sing like that.”

Kurt snapped forward and stared out his window. The sudden quiet made me worry that I had done something wrong.

“My mother was a music teacher and my brother’s an actor,” I told Santana. “My brother says performing is in my blood, but I think I take after my father more. He prefers to watch rather than be watched.”

Kurt didn’t look at me when he said, “I think you can be whatever you want to be, Blaine. Regardless of what the rest of your family does.”

There was stinging pain in my heart. I’m not sure if it was because I was afraid I had done something to offend Kurt or if it was because it was the first time that anyone has ever told me that.

Santana gave Kurt a look I couldn’t interpret and switched on the radio. She started singing along to the song and nudged at Kurt to do the same. He didn’t give in at first, but Santana kept poking him until he playfully slapped away her hand and started singing as well.

Soon the two of them were singing so loud that their voices had drowned out the radio.

I didn’t sing along this time because I didn’t want to. I just leaned back on the seat and listened.

Love always,

Blaine


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Was holding on to this because it felt too short but I haven't had the time to write so I thought might as well post it.

September 7

Dear Friend,

I’ve been sitting in my room all morning trying to figure out which pictures to show Dr. Pillsbury on Monday. I’m supposed to show her seven pictures, one for each day, but so far I’ve only been able to find one that I think would interest her – a picture of a pamphlet Santana found in Kurt’s room. Dr. Pillsbury has pamphlets all over her office, but I haven’t seen one like this yet.

“Safe Sex Can be Fun!” Santana had announced gleefully when she pulled out the pamphlet from the bookshelf.

We were waiting for Kurt to get ready for a party that Sugar was throwing at her house and I was looking at the pictures in my camera while Santana was poking around in Kurt’s things.

Kurt spared her a quick glance, side-eyeing the pamphlet in her hand. “Carol gave that to me during junior year. One of her many attempts at misguided bonding.”

“Wanky,” Santana commented, her eyes still on the pamphlet. She moved to the bed and lay down on her back with her head next to mine. I was sitting on the floor because I hadn’t wanted to mess up Kurt’s sheets but Santana didn’t seem to have a problem with it.

“Do you know where babies come from Blaine?” she asked me.

I nodded even though I knew she was mocking me. My dad never talked to me about sex. My brother offered once, but I had already found out all I needed to know from the internet.  He had been disappointed because he had been planning a fieldtrip to a strip club. I had to remind him that I was 13 at the time and wouldn’t have been allowed inside.

Santana rolled over so that she was lying on her stomach, facing me. She spread out the pamphlet on the bed and I took a picture of it.

“You know, we never did ask. Are you straight, gay or equal opportunity?”

I gave a quiet chuckle. “I’m definitely gay.”

“My gaydar is better than yours, Hummel!” she said in triumph. Kurt who at that point was busy rooting around in his closet didn’t dignify her with a response. Santana turned back to me and asked, “But you’ve never had sex, right?”

Blushing, I shook my head.

“Then I think it’s quite time for a little refresher, my dear,” she said with an awful British accent. It made me think of Mary Poppins and the idea of Mary Poppins giving me a sex talk made me very uncomfortable.

“Or maybe we should just get Kurt to give you some practical tips?” She winked at me, grinning widely.

There are times when I’m around Santana that I wish the ground would open me up and swallow me whole. Last night was one of those times. I was thankful that Kurt was too preoccupied looking through his closet to listen to her. It annoyed her though since she doesn’t like being ignored.

“You didn’t tell her that the pamphlet’s too little, too late, Kurt, considering you already had your cute little ass cherry popped by then.” she said loudly.

That made Kurt stop whatever he was dong to glare at Santana. “Jesus, Santana, you don’t have to tell the whole world. Finn’s downstairs.”

“Do you really think your idiot step-brother doesn’t know you’ve had sex with half the gay population of Lima?”

“If that was true, I’d only have slept with two people total. Try widening your circle a little bit.”

“Ohio then.”

“That’s better,” Kurt said smiling, a proud tilt to his chin.

“It’s a sad world we live in where you’re getting more ass than I am.” She had gotten off the bed and was sitting on Kurt’s desk where she was adding doodles and captions to the pamphlet. “Between the two of us we’ve got enough daddy issues to start a cabaret.”

Kurt’s gaze landed on a picture on his night stand and his smile turned sad for a moment.

I snapped a picture of him then. “Did you love all of them?” I asked.

“No, Blaine. I didn’t love all of them.” He gave me a strange look, before ducking out of sight again.

“I bet you he didn’t even know some of their names,” Santana added.

It made me sad thinking about Kurt sleeping with faceless men who didn’t love him.

I think Santana noticed because she sat down next to me on the floor and grabbed my hand to draw on it. “Trust me, it’s better without feelings.”

She drew a boy with hearts in his eyes on the back of my hand.

“How do you know?”

“Because unlike you, I’m not a little gay virgin.” Santana started laughing so hard her breath was coming out in short gasps, “Oh my God, you are _literally_ a little gay virgin.”

I took three pictures of her in quick succession. If I could I would show you that picture because I have never seen Santana as unguarded as when she laughs.

“Are you going to be doing that all the time now?” she asked, batting away the camera.

“Probably.”

“Your doctor’s a quack,” she said.

I smiled, not because of what she called Dr. Pillsbury, but because she hadn’t tried to delete the picture or tell me that I couldn’t take a picture anymore.

Kurt was still looking for something in his closet so I started taking pictures of things in his room. The pamphlet with Santana’s additions, the ampersand on his bookshelf, a tiny gilded cage that was hanging from his mirror, a picture of Kurt’s dad on his bedside table.

It was the picture that made me stop my exploration of Kurt’s room. His dad was teaching Kurt to ride a green bicycle with pink streamers on the handles. It was so unlike my own childhood bike that I couldn’t stop staring at it and wishing that I had been able to meet Kurt’s dad. I am hoping that he would have liked me, because I am certain that I would have liked him.

“Found it!” Kurt exclaimed. He emerged from his closet with a jacket draped over his arm which I figured that was what he was looking for in there.

“About damn time.” Santana said, marching out the door.

I followed both of them out, but I couldn’t help looking back one last time at the picture.

Do you think about how life could have been different if only one thing had changed? In movies they always show that things could have been worse if you wished for a different life, but have you ever wondered if maybe things could have been better?

I do. All the time.

And right now, I can’t imagine a world that could be made worse with a dad who teaches his son to ride a green bike with pink streamers.

My dad is calling me down for lunch. I need to end my later now, but I promise to tell you about the party later.

Love always,

Blaine

 


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mentions of (herbal) drug use and underage drinking

September 7

Dear Friend,

I wish I was in a better mood while I’m writing this to you but lunch with my father did not go very well.

My brother showed up half-way though our meal and I don’t think he expected dad to be home since he’s usually at the office on Saturdays. Dad didn’t expect my brother to visit since we thought he was busy in L.A.

To be honest, at that moment I didn’t know if I wanted either of them to be home.

Don’t get me wrong, I love them very much and I’m always happy to spend time with my dad or my brother, but being in the same room with both of them is very tiring.

Regardless of my mood, I will tell you about the party because I promised I would.

The first thing you will notice when you visit Sugar’s house is how big it is. It isn’t as big as some of the houses in my grandparent’s neighborhood in Westerville but it’s the biggest house I've seen in Lima so far.

The houses in Westerville don't have Sugar's personality though or furniture that mirrors exactly that.

"It doesn't matter how many times I come here that leopard print chaise lounge offends me every time," Kurt commented while the butler was putting our coats away.

"You have a scarf in exactly that pattern," Santana reminded him.

"At least mine doesn't have bright pink trim.”

“And isn’t yours Alexander McQueen?” I asked.

Kurt looked at me proudly and Santana rolled her eyes at us. “You’re both so fucking gay it hurts.”

The butler came back and led us to the basement. It’s seems ridiculous for someone to have a butler, but if you know Sugar, it would seem ridiculous for her not to have one. I remember her telling me he had been ordered directly from the Queen of England’s castle. I don’t think that’s possible but her dad does have a lot of connections.

“Everyone’s here!” Sugar shouted when she spotted us.

By everyone she meant us, Tina and Sam plus a few people I recognized from school and a handful of people I didn’t know.

Sugar hugged each of us in turn then she turned to the room and announced. “Let’s play spin the bottle!”

“No!” Both Kurt and Santana said at the same time.

“No games, Sugar,” Kurt said in a gentler tone. “Why don’t we set up your karaoke machine instead?”

She thought about it for a second before nodding. “Good idea!”

Kurt left to help her out and Santana went to get some drinks. I sat down on the couch next to Tina who was laughing at Sam impersonating someone I couldn’t recognize. He was funny even if he wasn’t very accurate.

A few minutes later Santana sat down on the arm of the couch. I tried to give her my place but she pushed me back down and handed me a cup of beer with a wink.

I have never had beer in my life but I trusted Santana so I took a sip and kept watching Sam do more of his impressions. The beer tasted bitter but the ice helped mask some of it.

“Here, man, eat this.”

Puck, one of the football players Finn hung out with, handed me brownie from a plate. I was surprised he was there. He was the type who loved being on top of the High School food chain and I don’t think most of the kids in that party would make it to the middle.

“Thank you.”

“I wouldn’t eat that if I were you,” Santana said with a slight laugh.

I shrugged and said before taking a bite, “I don’t want to be rude.”

“Suit yourself, munchkin.”

On hindsight, I should have listened to her but the beer had left a bitter taste in my mouth and I was hoping the brownies would make it go away.

By the time Kurt came back, I was giggling at everything Sam was doing. I think he had stopped doing impressions at some point but I still found everything he said hilarious.

"You fed him pot brownies?,” Kurt asked Santana, annoyed. “Isn’t he like 14?"

“Don’t look at me. Go hit Puckerman.”

“It’s cool. The kid’s happy,” Puck said with a wink at Kurt.

I frowned and looked up at Kurt trying to make the fog in my head go away.

"16," I spoke up.

"What?"

"I'm 16. I'll be 17 in February."

Everyone in the our group laughed except for Kurt who crouched down to look at me.

“I’m not a kid,” I told him quietly.

"I know, Blaine. How are you feeling? Do you want anything?"

I wish I didn't have to tell you what happened next because I feel like my face is on fire when I remember, but after Kurt asked me that question I got up on my feet and I hugged him.

It was the best and most awful thing in the world because Kurt didn't expect it and he patted me on the back uncomfortably until he realized that I wasn't going to stop anytime soon. He placed one of his hands on my waist and the other on the small of my back, rubbing up and down in a soothing gesture.

I remember hearing Santana laughing but I didn't care because Kurt was warm and he smelled nice and hugging him was even better than the hugs I would get from Cooper.

“Blaine?” he asked after a full minute.

“I wanted a hug.”

“I can see that.”

“I should let go.”

Kurt breathed out a laugh that I could feel against my ear. “If you want to.”

I didn't want to stop, but my mouth felt dry and my head had started to spin. I sat back down on the couch and I think Tina gave me a glass of water and then she was giving me another glass to drink. I didn't even remember finishing the first glass but I guess I did.

After a while the rest of the room had started taking turns on Sugar’s karaoke machine but Kurt stayed behind on the couch with me.

“Are you okay?”

I thought about all the times I had been asked that question and all the different ways I had found to answer it without worrying anyone. I thought about my dad and my brother. I thought about my old therapist. I thought about Dr. Pillsbury. I thought about Trent.

It was a very long time before I answered.

“I don’t know.”

It was the most honest I’ve ever been to anyone since middle school. It wasn’t what he was asking, but it was the answer I felt I needed to give. I think Kurt understood that because he took my hand and held it in his.

“You’ll be fine.”

I stared at our entwined hands and felt my heart flutter in my chest. I squeezed his hand and gave him a small smile.

“So will you.”

Kurt looked at me for a long time. I was learning to read his expressions and this was the way he looked when Carol once told him she had done his laundry or when Finn would awkwardly offer him a ride home from school or even when Santana would compliment him on his outfit.

It was Kurt confused and skeptical that someone was giving him something and wasn’t asking for anything in return. It makes me sad because I think Kurt has had very few people in his life who are nice to him.

My brother is banging on my door so I need to go.

I hope that you have enough people who are nice to you, even if it’s just a ridiculous older brother forcing you to get ice cream with him.

Love always,

Blaine


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